Phantom Forgiveness
by DimpleCurlAeternaGirl
Summary: A sleep-deprived Kate sees something in the jungle from her past and is rattled. Will Jack help her or does she face her fears alone? One-Shot Based on S2Ep9. *Revised and updated 7-5-19.


_Disclaimer: Lost is owned by ABC Television and was created by Jeffrey Lieber, J. J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof and produced by Bad Robot Productions. I don't own it but I love it!_

 **"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." -Jonathan Lockwood Huie**

* * *

Kate was exhausted, sustained only by a second wind. She was sleep deprived, seeking meaningful tasks to restore a sense of balance and sanity. In the last 24 hours, Sawyer, Michael and Jin returned with survivors from the tail section of the plane ... Survivors unknown to most except for Bernard, Rose's husband. Rose was a pillar in their beach camp. A rock. She never wavered in the conviction her husband was alive.

The tailies used to be twenty-three strong until they realized one in their group was an "Other" - a native, island resident sent to blend in and spy post-crash. Forty-eight days later, they were reunited with the mid-section survivors. Their number had dwindled to four.

Their arrival was heralded by the sound of gunfire during a downpour. Shannon was shot point blank by newcomer, Ana Lucia. She mistook her for an Other when Cindy, the fifth member of their small band, vanished. Sayid held Shannon as she bled out, his eyes large and black with shock. Mistaken identity. An act of protection gone horribly wrong. It was a gut punch to the camp. The joy of Rose and Bernard's reunion, as well as Jin and Sun didn't erase stunned looks. There was no punishment. No justice to dole out.

Shannon, Sayid's companion and love, was no longer the immature rich girl who's complaints wore on the most stalwart.

Her demeanor and voice softened as bitter veneer cracked and dissipated. Sincerity lit her lovely features when they weren't clouded with grief post-death for her step-brother, Boone, Vincent, the golden retriever, was found by her side when sorrow threatened to overwhelm her. People passed by, respectfully silent when she sat, her arm around the dog, quietly talking to him. His head quirked to catch every word or rested on her thigh while her hands ran through his short fur. His eyes were half-mast as if concentrating, trying to absorb her pain.

Now she was gone. Dead. Snuffed out at the tender age of twenty.

Kate's heart raced as she jogged towards the nearest fruit grove, despite being in peak condition. Lack of sleep was taking its toll. She knew it was a risk foraging this deep in the jungle, but people needed sustenance. Locke stopped hunting boars and Jin's fish nets weren't big enough to fill over fifty grumbling bellies.

She put her hands behind her back and stretched before scaling the mango tree. Her body scaled up and over the curve of trunk until she was eighteen feet high adjacent to fruit-laden branches. A light breeze hit the beads of sweat, cooling her skin while sharpening her senses. She anchored herself to the tree by hooking her right leg around it, her foot digging into the trunk. Her left knee was bent and pinned firmly against the other side with her foot planted beneath her body. Her arms moved briskly, quickly filling her bag with ripe mangos, twisting them slightly to release them from the stems.

Kate began to scale down, then nodded off briefly. She lost her grip and slid out of control, her arms wrapped around the tree. Her body stopped before she reached the bend. Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, making her deaf to the birds warbling in the background. Eyes closed, head pressed against the smooth trunk, she drew in a full breath. Fruit tumbled out of her sack and lay below.

She slid to the bottom and shook it off. The only damage was scrapes on her arms.. The fallen fruit was salvageable. It landed in the dense foliage, preventing it from busting. She squatted to gather a few strays and wiped her head with the back of her hand, trying to get rid of moisture the humid air refused to dry. Her hair was down, but the top half pulled back in a messy knot. Curls tumbled loose and clung to her face, the sweat acting as a liquid adhesive.

She heard a snort behind her and froze. Only one kind of animal made that sound. Kate turned slowly. A large, black Georgian Grande stallion stared at her. It was a magnificent horse. Almost 16 hands high, coal black with no markings and wore no tack denoting ownership. It was free and had the skittishness of the untamed. _She knew that horse. But it was impossible. It shouldn't be there._

She stood, spooked by the apparition. Her eyebrows drew together in confusion. Maybe she did fall and hit her head. Or fell asleep. _She had to know._ She stepped tentatively towards the beast. The horse became agitated, its ears pinned against its head. Its smooth, ebony neck glistened in sunlight filtering through the canopy. The stallion neighed before turning away, picking up speed as it leapt and galloped into the jungle.

It was the same horse ... The color, no markings, gait, flared tail, and a stallion. No markings was almost unheard of. And Kate wasn't one to mix up steeds. She grew up around horses and read every reference and fiction equestrian book available at the Ames Town Library. Stallions were unusual. Most males were gelded young, especially farm or horses for leisure riding unless they were set aside to breed or race. Even then, gelded males could be found on the racetracks. Stallions were hard to handle.

So, what the hell was it doing there? The last time it appeared, she was in dire straights and feeling hopeless.

Kate swallowed the lump forming her throat as she made her way to the hatch, fighting a memory threatening to surface.

* * *

Sawyer was prone and unconscious in the belly of the hatch. An untreated bullet wound left him with an infection and raging fever. Jack, Kate, and Sun alternated tending to him while others filtered in offering help. He was on the bottom bunk - bandaged, stripped down to his boxers, and covered by a sheet. A black, overgrown beard threatened to take over his face in contrast to his gold-streaked, shaggy hair.

Jack did the best he could under the circumstances, but his face was grim. He was frustrated again at the lack of medical supplies and equipment. He was also worried about Kate, who had shadows under her eyes. He tried coaxing her into napping or taking a break. It briefly crossed his mind to give her a sleeping pill, but he would never force anything on her.

Part of Kate's brain recognized and appreciated Jack's attempts to look out for her. _He cared._ She never imagined someone like him, a handsome doctor and good man, taking notice of her beyond the physical. She felt invisible most of her life. A lonely existence. Ironically, she found herself wishing for invisibility when on the run three years. Jack told her they all deserved a fresh start on the island. She wanted to believe, but felt unworthy. So she worked. Fed the camp. Filled water bottles at the cave and brought them back to their beach community. Volunteered on missions. Helped anyone in need. Part of it was in her nature - to help and put others' needs first. But a small voice inside told her she didn't belong. It put her into overdrive, for acceptance, for redemption.

Kate lingered in the bedroom doorway, her eyes tracing Jack's silhouette. His posture was similar to Rodin's "The Thinker." Their eyes locked when he turned his head. He took in her appearance, causing his brow to raise in question. "Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm just ... I think I'm tired. How is he?" She felt jittery, as if she had rapidly consumed an entire pot of coffee. Her stomach churned. She pushed stray, damp ringlets from her face again, unaware of her disheveled appearance. The bag was placed on the dresser behind Jack. Kate unpacked it, attempting to hide her trembling hands. Her thoughts raced. _The black horse ... Was it real or a phantom conjured up by her overtaxed mind?_

Jack's eyes were soft, but penetrating. He could feel something emanating from her. Anxiety and more. He was also unsettled by events from the past 24 hours, but compartmentalized it to treat Sawyer. He turned, offering her his profile before he thoughtfully spoke. "His fever's still up there. I can't tell if the antibiotics are working. It'll help to get some food in him. You should get down to the beach for ... for Shannon."

Kate drew in a breath, her heart picking up speed. Shannon's funeral. A swell of panic rose and her ability to hide it fragmenting. "I was actually thinking I should stay and watch Sawyer."

Jack wasn't fooled by her rapid answer, but he wouldn't force Kate to talk. It was clear she didn't want to go. His words came out, firm but coated with kindness. "I'll stay with him."

"You should be there," she countered. _Better him than her._ She was nearing the edge of a precipice and possibly hallucinating. She couldn't face the mourners. The weight of collective grief could be her tipping point. Another goodbye.

Before the marshal caught her, she could count the number of friends she had on two fingers. Cassidy, who helped her when she was on the run. The other was her lifelong friend, Tommy. He was now six feet under in Ames Municipal Cemetery in Iowa surrounded by generations of Brennans. No thanks to her. Her mouth was moist. She swallowed hard, willing herself keep it together. After 7 weeks of shared hardship, threats and challenges, she considered some survivors as friends, more than she had in her entire life combined. But not for lack of wanting. Growing up in a home with an abusive, alcoholic step-dad and mother in denial meant never bringing friends home. Never telling what happened behind closed doors. Lying about the bruises, marks or broken bones. She felt alone, on the outside looking in, even when in a group.

Normally, Kate wanted Jack's company. _She desired it and it shook her._ But he was busy as a reluctant leader and only doctor. Moments were stolen by the pair between distractions. Conversations. A shared task. Looks conveying more than words. Neither were quick to share their pasts, only bits and pieces each doled out to the other, to take away and examine as if it was treasure. Kate was developing strong feelings for him while fighting her instincts to not get attached. To avoid rejection at all costs. She didn't want him to think she was a basket case. That there were pieces of her still broken.

Jack stood. He noted the beads of perspiration dotting her face and chest creating damp patches on her purple tank top. He conceded. The cool air and sitting would benefit her. "Keep him hydrated." He knew she would fidget with idle hands and noted the mangos she unpacked. "Maybe mash up some of the fruit and see if you can get him to eat it. And everybody'll be at the beach, so don't forget the button." His brow wrinkled slightly, still concerned. He wanted her to talk. To give him a reason to stay.

She began to pace, bouncing one fist on top of the other. "I got it." Kate smiled but it didn't reach her green, tired eyes. She took his seat by the bunk.

Jack's tall, athletic frame lingered in the doorway. His arms were above him, pushing against the opening and exposing the colorful trail of stars tattooed under his muscular, left tricep. "I'll be back in a couple of hours." He paused. "You're sure you're okay?" His brown eyes were somber, but warm, inviting her to talk.

Her vocal response was a pitch too high. "Yeah, I'm great." Her small hands gripped the sides of her seat, her knuckles white.

Jack ran his hand over the back of his head as a sigh escaped him. He pressed his lips together and gave a nod before leaving.

Kate was perched on the edge of the chair initially, as if she was ready to take flight. Her mind sifted through recent events, trying to think about anything but the horse. Sun. She was glad Jin was back for Sun's sake, who mourned her husband when the message bottle floated back from the raft. The camp took it as a bad sign. That it sank, taking their own to a watery grave. But they survived. All were accounted for except 10 year-old Walt. He was taken by others. Michael seemed lost. But the camp wasn't ready to rally and form a search party. They had to bury one of their own.

She glanced at Sawyer. He was half-dead because of the Others. She didn't say goodbye to him almost two weeks ago when he left on the raft. He was an ass, exposing her past to everyone by grabbing her arm, almost lifting her off the sand. He snatched her backpack and dumped the contents in front of the camp, announcing her fugitive status to replace her on the raft. He conveniently left out his own crimes including murder. In hindsight, her attempt to escape using a deceased woman's passport was feeble. Wrong. It was another act of desperation. Now, instead of being in a jail cell, she was trapped on an island. A tropical Alcatraz minus cells but kept the group near the beach. _The jungle was filled with dangerous creatures and things._

People shunned Kate briefly but not Sun or Jack. Or Hurley for that matter. Locke was indifferent, obsessed with the hatch. Kate continued to quietly gather food and water for the camp before helping Sun in her garden.

Kate had a hard time holding a grudge. Especially in light of her own misdeeds. It could have been her, lifeless on the bunk instead of him. She was used to being abused followed by lulls growing up. The latter didn't last long enough for bruises to fade, mainly on her Ma. She didn't believe she deserved better, one reason she understood Sawyer. They both had inauspicious beginnings, being on the lam and self-loathing. That coupled with his aggression and unwanted, sexual innuendos made her feel repulsed and seedy. She believed there was a human inside of him, but being around him was a reminder of a past she wanted to forget.

* * *

After Jack left, Kate took a damp washcloth and wiped her face, neck and arms. She didn't fix her hair, but felt somewhat revived. Old, vinyl records were lined up shelves in a living room area. The smell hit her nose as she browsed titles. Plastic-covered, cardboard album covers and musky record sleeves. She found one of her favorite artists, Patsy Cline. "Walking After Midnight" came on over the speakers after she carefully put the needle arm into position. The melody had a tonic effect, relaxing her enough to sit down again beside Sawyer. Kate began to mash up fruit in a bowl with an oversized spoon. It had been at least a half hour since Jack left.

Sawyer looked like a statue, the rise and fall of his chest almost imperceptible. She talked to him anyways. Perhaps he could hear her somehow. "You hungry? I'm just going to mash you up some fruit here." She smiled, amused at a sudden thought. "When you wake up, you're going to get a kick out of me feeding you like a baby."

The smile quickly faded. She stopped, leaving the spoon stuck in the middle of the orange hued slices and pulp. "I saw a horse." She rolled her eyes in an attempt to minimize it. "Yeah, that's what happens when you don't sleep."

Sawyer started to move his head and whisper for the first time. Kate put the bowl and spoon down, almost spilling the contents in haste. She leaned in close to see if he was waking up.

He whispered something.

"Sawyer? Are you awake?" She leaned right over him, her hands on the bed and face earnest when trying to figure out what he was said. He continued to mumble quietly.

"What?"

His eyes opened suddenly. But it wasn't Sawyer glaring through those eyes. His sea blue eyes had changed color. They were dark, pupils dilated and full of rage. He snatched her throat with his right hand, his forearm bulging while choking her. Kate's hands flew to her neck, trying to break free. Her eyes were terrified as she gasped for air.

"Why did you kill me?" He yelled as he throttled her thin neck. "Why did you kill me?!" The voice and words pouring out with flecks of saliva didn't belong to Sawyer.

She'd recognize that voice anywhere. Kate leveraged her feet and body weight to extricate herself from his grip. She bolted, running as fast as she could, still gasping from being choked. The hatch was left empty except for Sawyer. Her legs traveled faster than her brain. Suddenly, she was on the far side of the beach past the church and slowed while collecting herself. Trying to take a full breath. She heard a voice and startled again. It was Charlie.

"Kate, hey! You missed the funeral." His voice didn't accuse but lacked the joviality he displayed over the past few weeks.

Kate could barely focus or look at him. Her eyes darted around, expecting the horse to suddenly appear. "Yeah ... uh ... I was with Sawyer."

Charlie fell into step beside her, not knowing Kate didn't have a destination in mind. "Oh, right. A few of them came - the new people. Not her - the one who killed Shannon. That would have been a bit awkward. They seem to have had a rough time of it. It looks like they went bloody 'Lord of the Flies' out there." Charlie paused and noted her unusual edginess. Normally she was attentive and self-possessed. She appeared scattered. "You haven't listened to a word I've said."

Kate chewed on her bottom lip, still looking in the shadows of the jungle. They were on the edge where the trees thinned out. "Do you think there are horses here?"

Charlie's brows shot up. "What?"

Kate continued, not caring what he might think of her confesson. "I think I saw a horse in the jungle."

Charlie shifted his weight and crossed his arms, considering her question. He chewed thoughtfully on a nail before responding. "I've seen polar bears. I've seen monsters, well, heard monsters, but horses, no." Kate felt a chill. Adrenaline kicked in and she took off into the jungle without a warning. "Kate! Where are you going?!" There was no response, only silence in her wake.

* * *

Charlie was sitting on a bluff, facing the beach. He was playing his guitar, stopping periodically to adjust a string until he was satisfied with the sound. Soft footsteps approached. He didn't turn. Jack came up beside him, his forehead wrinkled and face rigid. Charlie didn't know what to make of it.

"Charlie, have you seen Kate?" His brows came together.

Charlie could see Jack was worried and offered up the information quickly. "A little while ago in the jungle. She was acting kind of barmy. Asking me about horses on the island."

Jack looked in the distance. Footprints marred the edge of the jungle. "You know where she is now?"

Charlie looked up at the doctor, curious and now slightly worried himself. Did he make mistake by not trying to stop her? The pair were normally dialed in to each other's locations. "She's on the path heading back to the caves. Everything okay?"

Jack didn't want to waste time. "Yeah, Charlie, everything's fine." He took off, jogging towards the path, hoping she didn't stray far from it and to find her unharmed.

* * *

Kate sat in the woods. She was almost at the caves, but took off into the trees and underbrush. Sounds echoed around her; birds, wind, leaves rustling, nothing out of the ordinary. But some of it still caused her to startle. The horse had failed to appear. She felt like she was losing touch. _Real? Imaginary? Wayne? Was he haunting her? Reminding her how much she hated him for making life hell and herself for being related?_ She waited. Without knowing why, she wanted the stallion to find her. _Was it there to remind her or seek vengeance?_ She heard running and steps slowing into a walk. One set of feet. Human.

Someone said her name. She didn't turn at first. _Jack ... Jack said her name_. It tumbled around her brain. He sounded upset.

She turned and looked at him and wished he wasn't there for the first time. She didn't want him to see her. She didn't move from the log, her mind on a hamster wheel trying to figure out what was happening. He approached her and started talking, not realizing his words didn't penetrate.

"Kate, what the hell are you doing out here?" He came around to face her. She looked down and away in avoidance, wanting to hide. "What happened in the hatch, Kate? Why'd you leave?" He raised his voice and she started slowly rocking back and forth, unconsciously trying self-soothe. She was level with his knees and tried not to look up. She was speechless. "I come back. I found Sawyer just lying on the ground. You just took off..." He was frustrated, not just about Sawyer. It was the fact she disappeared. They weren't alone and she disappeared. The thought of something happening ... if anything did ... it would be his undoing.

 _Sawyer!_ His name snapped her out of the daze. "Is he okay?" She ran so fast, it didn't register that there was a thump until she was far away from the hatch. By then she wasn't going to turn back.

Jack was exasperated. He looked down at her small form, willing her to tell him what was going on. To look at him.

She felt his gaze burning her the top of her head.

"Yes, Kate! He's fine."

She looked up at him, having to tip her head back. He was so tall. She felt a small amount of relief at the news. She stood in an attempt to get away. The horse. Sawyer's not Sawyer. Now Jack, the man she cared about, looked angry and disappointed. Not enough to choke her. She instinctively knew he wouldn't hit her, but couldn't handle letting him down.

She turned to walk off and said, "I'm sorry."

He was on her heels. "Are you?" He sounded skeptical and frustrated. Her temper flared.

She turned and stared at him with narrowed eyes. _Jack._ After everything they have been through and the time spent together. The rapport they had, relationship and trust building. Now this? She already hated herself, reminded once again by Wayne's specter.

Wayne - The man, who she figured was tied to the black horse that magically appeared in the jungle. The monster who spoke through Sawyer, was her abusive, drunk step-father. She didn't know he was her biological father until she 24. He came back to haunt her, across the ocean in the Pacific's version of the Bermuda triangle on mystery island. She felt dirty and tainted in the moment. Defensive. She didn't need Jack, the man she admired and had feelings for, kicking her while she was down.

"Yeah I'm sorry." She stopped, her body shaking with anger and fatigue. "I'm sorry that I am not as perfect as you! I'm sorry that I'm not as good!" Scalding tears poured down her cheeks. He was so nice and even came from a respectable family. She was nothing, a mid-western girl with low-life parents except her dad, Sam, the man she considered to be her real father. Even Sam was gravely disappointed with her last time she saw him. It hurt that she let him, of all people, down. Her absentee father was most stable adult in her life.

Jack stepped back with his hands up in surrender to calm her. His frustration vanished as it dawned on him. She in pain. She was usually so reliable and came across as competent and confident. This was a side of her he hadn't seen yet. Compassion and concern flooded him. A soft look filled his light, brown eyes, one that normally melted her.

"Okay, what's going on with you?" Jack's tone had changed completely. The key was on a leather string, nestled in the hollow of his neck. The key to the marshal's case and guns. It caused a temporary rift when she tried to hide it from him. When she lied about the toy airplane being inside. Kate didn't want to meet his eyes. They drifted to the key and then down again.

She _needed_ to escape. She was frayed around the edges and beginning to crack.

"Just forget it." She took off. He grabbed her right forearm. Her adrenaline kicked in as she fought his firm grip.

"No. Don't walk away from me," he said as he held on. He refused to let her go and snaked his arm around her twisting body, drawing her close enough to wrap both arms around her.

She tried to push him away. "Don't! I got…" Then she snapped. She started to sob, feeling fragments of shame, sorrow, self-hatred. Her face was buried in his chest, her head tucked under his chin.

He pulled her small frame in tight, flush to his body. Jack wrapped his body around her the best he could, trying to comfort and shelter her.

She stopped resisting. He breathed slowly, holding her head against his chest while cursing himself for not seeing it sooner. The panic on her face. The anxiety and stress. Her words confused and pained him. _She didn't feel as good as him?_ Kate was his rock. The one person he could rely on and kept him from going insane there. But the island and peril was enough to break anyone. He quietly reassured her while rubbing her back with one hand. "It's okay. It's okay." His arms were soothing and strong.

Kate tried to talk. He pulled back just enough to see her face and held her by the shoulders with his large hands to steady and keep her in place. She looked down at the ground at his jeans, shoes, anything. She didn't want him to see her like this. "Please... This place is crazy. It's just… I can't… It's driving me nuts."

Her confession released a small knot in his chest. "I know." He bent down to be eye-level, to validate her. She stopped and looked up at him as he spoke, searching his face and eyes. Her breath hitched with a lingering sob. "It's okay." His eyes were tender and loving. There was no look of disgust. She wanted to believe him. "It's alright. It's alright." He repeated, his voice causing the panic to subside and tears to stop.

She gave him an almost imperceptible nod. The look on his face, the raw affection and... _Was it love or an illusion?_ It beckoned. He understood. He cared about her. He was so close she could feel the heat of his breath when he exhaled and the maculine scent pouring off of him, unique to Jack. Something in her stirred. He moved close, mere inches from her face as his sensual lips barely whispered. She closed the final gap between them by placing her small palms on his cheeks, cupping his face chiseled face before her fingers slid to the back of his neck. Something she wanted to do that first evening together under the starlight.

She kissed him softly, then fully, sucking on his warm, soft upper lip like it was a delicacy before diving in. He returned her kiss with pent up passion. There was no space between them. She wrapped her small arms around his neck as his hands explored her back, pressing her body against his. His body tingled. He wanted her but had buried himself in work, waiting for a signal. Or for his fear of failure to subside.

They kissed slowly, deeply, tasting, testing with their mouths, doing what both had been secretly craving after several weeks of restraint. Heat and warmth spread throughout her body like a live-wire. His body responded as well. They were finally on the same wavelength. The same rhythm.

She felt his long fingers travel, feeling their way down the side of her bare torso. Her tank top was bunched during the struggle exposing her skin. His hand continued to the top of her jeans, tracing the inside of the waistline. The other traveled down her hip before inching towards the button in the front of her jeans. She didn't want him to stop. She wanted him, her blood pooling where it hadn't in ages, while his need pressed up against her.

A few moments more and they would be at the point of no return, somewhere they had been slowly heading towards. It seemed inevitable. There would be no witnesses, nobody to interrupt them. Just them, the trees and the verdant floor of the jungle.

She pulled back slightly to catch her breath and they touched foreheads. She stared at him and him at her, as if they were really seeing each other for the first time.

Raw, beautiful, together. It felt so right.

Unfortunately, Wayne and the horse crept into her thoughts, shattering the moment and her mind. She sucked in her breath as the shame returned. The feeling she was cursed and didn't deserve to be happy. She backed away slowly, her forehead puckered in confusion. She wasn't good enough. Jack didn't just want her body. He wanted it all. She turned started to trot, then ran. She heard Jack callling after her, but he didn't follow. If he would have, she may have stopped, even stayed with him to finish what they started. But he let her take off in his confusion.

 _Jack was right to let me go,_ she thought. She wiped away the tears starting to fall. She hated crying, but being on the island with Jack made her want _more._ But in the moment, Kate didn't believe she deserved anything or anyone as good as Jack.

* * *

Kate sat red-eyed in Boone's Hill graveyard beside Shannon's grave. The mound of dark sand was surrounded by small logs to mark the boundaries. Flowers from Sun's garden and the jungle covered the top. She figured this was the one place she could be alone since the funeral ended.

Eventually, Sayid approached with a gold necklace in hand. She didn't want to face her heartbroken friend after missing the burial. She felt half-crazy and wasn't sure what to say.

She tried to explain her absence, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry I missed it. Her funeral. I had to be with Sawyer, so..."

He interrupted her. His eyes were red too, not glittering with intelligence and life today. His tone was flat, as if any emotion in him had died. "Why aren't you with him now?"

Kate bit her right thumb pad. Sayid was a lie detector so she told him the truth. "Because I'm going crazy." She looked at him, sorry he was in pain, but desperately wanted an answer to something swirling around in her head. He always honest with her. "Do you believe in ghosts, Sayid?"

Sayid looked at her with what she thought was a blank look. But past it, she saw hidden sorrow. He was drained and numb. He put his necklace on Shannon's cross grave marker. "I saw Walt in the jungle just before Shannon was shot. Does that make me crazy?"

She stayed hunched down on the log and shook her head. She resumed bit her thumb pad when he walked away, thinking about the horse.

It was the same one that helped her when she was caught by the marshal after Wayne died in the house explosion.

* * *

Three years ago, Marshal Edward Mars wore a large bandaid on the bridge his nose when he secured Kate's cuffs in the front seat of his car. It was night and pouring rain outside. He didn't want to wait. He was driving her back to Des Moines to be arraigned and jailed. He was smug man. One who liked the sound of his own voice.

"It's a long drive back to the arraignment. You comfy?" The marshal chuckled at his own joke. He didn't care. Especially since Kate got few punches in before he apprehended her. He gave her a side-glance. "Why now?"

Kate looked straight ahead. "What?" She frowned, sensing he was deriving pleasure from having her captive, literally.

Mars droned on. "Nice, corn-fed farm girl like yourself. No history of violence. Straight A's. No record. A couple of speeding tickets... I just got to wonder, why'd you kill him now?" His question was met with silence. "Oh, right. Yeah, don't tell me. You wouldn't want to incriminate yourself. Not after you were so smart planning it. The jury sure ain't going to get hung up on pre-meditation. And a gas leak? Come on. It's ... it's amateur hour from top to bottom." His voice mocked and baited her.

Kate pressed her lips together before speaking in a flat tone. "Sounds like you've got it all figured out."

"I do have you _all figured out._ " He looked at her again before watching the road, a smirk on his face.

Kate's voice was controlled. "You don't know anything about me."

Edward raised his eyebrows and grinned, sensing she was irritated with him. "White trash mom divorces dad. Starts up with some guy who's a drinker. Then he knocks her around a little bit, she marries him because, you know, that's what happens. And then this drunk, this _Wayne_ , he moves into your house, and you get to lay there every night and listen to him doing your mom right there in your daddy's old bedroom. And even that wouldn't be so bad if he didn't beat her up all the time. But she loves him. She defends him. If that don't make a person want to kill somebody I don't know what does." He paused and licked his lips, ready to go in for the kill. "But the question is now, why now? Why after all these years did you just decide to blow poor Wayne up? He come knocking on your door late at night?"

Kate finally snapped. "He never touched me!"

In that moment, the jet-black horse ran directly across road, clearing the car somehow. The vehicle was coasting at 45 miles per hour on the slick streets. The marshal swerved and hit a telephone pole. His airbag deployed, knocking him out.

Kate took her chance, grabbed his keys and was unlocking her cuffs when he started to come around. She punched his throat and face when he lunged and tried to choke her. She had her back pressed up against the passenger door. Her body was on auto-pilot. She kicked him hard with her black boots, ejecting him out the driver's seat and car.

She slammed the door shut, locked the car and turned the ignition. The engine fired back up. She took a deep breath before driving around the marshal, laying in the mud but not attempting to get up. Yet.

When she turned the headlights on, the horse was there on the right side of the road. It stared at her, a dark eye locking with hers. _It's waiting for me to leave._ The stallion threw back its head. It turned and galloped up the hill, disappearing into the tall, green grass before she slammed her foot on the gas and sped away.

* * *

Kate sat for a long time in the graveyard. She took down her hair. Wild curls tumbled down her back. She decided to return to the hatch and talk to Wayne. If he was still "there." She found Sun sitting beside Sawyer when she arrived.

"Where's Jack?"

Sun was mashing the same mango and was almost finished. "I don't know. He didn't come back."

Kate was slightly disappointed. She glanced at Sawyer. "Has he said anything"

Sun shook her head. "Sawyer? No, he's still sleeping. Can you watch him?" Kate froze for a second, her resolve wavering. "I can stay with..."

"Yeah, I... I can." She understood Sun wanted as much time as possible with Jin. She couldn't refuse.

"Thanks." Sun gave her a grateful smile and quickly left, no doubt headed towards the beach.

Kate sat down, putting a safe distance between her and the bed. She wrapped her arms around herself, her voice congested from crying. She hated Wayne, but needed to deal with him head on. "Can you hear me?" She paused. "Sawyer?"

She looked out the door and down, tucking the hair behind her ears, dreading seeing eyes face on Sawyer's face. Her lips were dry. She licked them before speaking. "Wayne?"

At his name, Sawyer's body stirred again. He began to whisper unintelligibly, same as before.

"I'm probably crazy and this doesn't matter, but maybe you're in there somehow." She looked to door again, making sure nobody was milling around. Feelings swirled inside of her. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "But you asked me a question. You asked me why I ... why I did it." She stared at Sawyer. "It wasn't because you drove my father away or the way you looked at me." She was disgusted. The words became forced. "Or because you beat her."

She stopped. Disgust made her taste bile in the back of her throat. Instead of listing more offenses, she decided to cut to the chase. "It's because I hated that you were a part of me…That I _would never_ be good. That I _would never have_ anything good. And every time that I look at Sawyer ... every time I feel something for him, I see you, Wayne. It makes me sick." Her eyes stung, but the anger gave her strength enough to hold it together.

He made another noise and spoke finally, his voice groggy. Kate leaned forward.

"That's about the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

"Sawyer?" Her voice faltered with relief.

His eyes fluttered. "Who the hell's Wayne?"

She laughed quietly and teared up at the same time.

His eyes opened. "I'm in a bunk-bed?"

"Yeah, you're in a bunk bed." She laughed briefly at his shock. Sawyer wasn't around when they broke into the hatch.

He looked like he had been hit by a truck but was awake and doing better. He was also confused. "Are we saved?"

Her initial mirth wavered. She didn't want to tell him the bad news, so it came out slowly. "No Sawyer. Not yet."

* * *

Kate helped Sawyer through the hatch, showing him the kitchen and the door to prove they weren't saved.

He leaned on her with his good side, weak from the fever and infection. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Air lock's over this way." She guided him out the door. He stumbled slightly. "You got it? Sorry. Watch yourself."

He looked around at the familiar jungle, the trees. He was surrounded by nothing but green. Sawyer exclaimed in disappointment. "Son of a bitch."

"Watch yourself, okay?" Vines grew around the airlock door and crept along the path, latching firmly to any surface. It was easy to get tangled up in them.

Kate guided him to a log to sit down. He had red bruising under his eyes and looked terrible."Home Sweet Home," he muttered.

"Yeah." She couldn't help but smile again. He reminded her of "That Shaggy Dog," from the old Disney movies with his hair overgrown and covering part of his face.

He looked at her skeptically. "I really thought you were yanking my chain. What do you keep smiling at?"

"You need a haircut." Kate teased and squatted down, just below eye level.

"Oh, really?" He paused and froze. Something caught his eye in the distance. "Maybe you ought to take me back inside." He sounded spooked.

Kate felt a chill up run up the back of her spine.

She turned her head slowly and saw him, the horse. It nickered a greeting to her as she made eye contact with it, unlike before. It was calmly standing, one ear occasionally twitching as its tail swished away gnats from its back. She stood. The black stallion didn't move. It was 10 yards away, staring at her with a docile expression. She instinctively knew it was waiting.

"You see that?" she asked. It huffed and turned its head away for a moment, as if offended. She didn't want to look away in case it ran off again.

"If you mean the big-ass horse standing in the middle of the jungle, then yeah." Sawyer's confirmation emboldened her. It _was_ real.

She wasn't afraid this time. She took a few, quiet steps towards it, her hand open, palm up with her fingers together. The stallion trotted over to Kate and lowered its head, smelling her hand with its velvety muzzle and let her scratch it. She used her other hand to pet the side of its head. It nickered and made noises, almost trying to communicate. Kate felt a sense of peace from the moment she touched it. Something akin to grace poured out of the horse and coursed through her, washing away the insanity plaguing her. She felt lighter somehow. Peaceful. And more. She would need some time to process what happened.

After what seemed like an eternity, it lifted its head and turned to slowly walk off, fixing her a meaningful look with a dark eye before turning away.

Sawyer was puzzled. "Do you know that horse, Freckles?"

She gave a small smile as she looked at the path it took when it ran off. "Yeah. I do." Hope sparked inside of her and kindled. Maybe she could have a "fresh start" after all.


End file.
